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Dylan asked me last night what I wanted for Mother's Day, and I said for him to go to church with me, and he did!!!!!! I thought that was wonderful. Then we watched a movie together with little Micheal. and tonight we started family devotion night, which is something I have been wanting to do.
Anyway, very nice day. I have great kids.
(John got me roses and candy, but I am sure at the behest of his mother. I wanted this to be about my kids, but I had to add that in there)
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY
I just read my daughter's journal entries. She turned me on to lj, and her writing is intense and beautiful and amazing and sad and anguishing for me all at the same time. I know that if I get better, I will reconnect with her on a deeper level of love and understanding and I have to believe that as she matures, she will reciprocate those feelings. She needs time, and I am giving it to her. I just hope she stays safe.
John is being an obsessive asshole.
I believe that the lds church may be the true church. I need to do a whole journal entry on all of my experiences and messages from God and the journey that he has set me on. It would be amazing to look back on.
Love.........mixed with pain.........mixed with sorrow and regret.....mixed with hate and anger....mixed with compassion....mixed with misunderstandings and regret,,,mixed with confusion.....mixed with fear and panic.....mixed with racing thoughts........mixed with helplessness and hopelessness.......but always love.......that is me.........who will I be when I am healed...... a mixture of a memory of all of those things, but hopefully mostly love.
My brothers may be next, although, with them, I am sure it will be me just writing a letter to let go, and let them do with it what they may, which will more then likely be nothing. I am so sad that I have nieces and nephews that I wlll never see, and have lost all of these years when they were babies and toddlers......after that, I am not sure where I will move to my list of people, although I will be writing a letter to my aunt dotty.
Oh yes!!!!!! I will have to decide how to have closure with my therapist , Nikki, after the way she treated our family, and then of course there is chloe, but she actually goes into "the pain" of my family, rather then an individual person I have resentment towards.
I did get to make amends with my friend Mikki, which was nice. So I guess, I am making progress.
I am making progress in my relationship with God, although it is a much bigger task then I thought it would be. I have so many issues with religion due to my abuse, that it is so hard to trust and put it back.
Maybe, I can actually keep up with my journal writing and it will help me. Although, one goal at a time, especially this goal is enough for me.
First session. Weird. Massage relaxed muscles that I don't think have ever been relaxed. I felt energy in the room, kept seeing the beach, and felt like throwing up. Driving home I felt sparks all over me and was so into myself that I could not focus outside of me, and fell asleep. The next day I was terrified and had to call Terra and ask if this was okay. It dissipated and I felt calm for about a week.
Second session: two and a half weeks later. Very spiritual, body deeply relaxed. Saw a vision of volcano in air with white smoke and saw myself in my little black coat and hat (transparent) laughing and giggling and waving and going into the air. Then I thought about abuse to my body and saw myself at time Mike raped me and moving to volcano. I heard God speak to me and say" YOu know you could pray and ask me to take this all away and it would happen, but that is not your path or your ability. I am giving you this gift to heal yourself" I understood message immediately. Then I saw only white light. Terra felt a negative in my side ( the week before she found a problem with my stomach meridian) and it would not leave. I felt relaxed and "lifted"
Third session: two nights ago. I drove down nervous and "knew" that she would see a vision. When reiki started I felt someone stepping on my throat. Terra asked about duct tape on my mouth. When she was done, she stopped and said she had to give me a symbol due to her inability to move all of the fear coming out of my throat and she could not stopit. She told me of a vision of a man with longish curly hair, light, with tanned skin who grabbed my jaw and said "shut up" I told her I knew what she was talking about and I hadn't talked about it in fourteen years. She said I was in early twenties and he was at least twenty years older then me. I spoke to Nikki about it the next day and that I do not know how to be happy and it terrifies me. My throat felt the same way then.
I hope that this will work and I can be happy.
I will keep up.
Well, Monday was a nightmare (today is Wednesday). I went so far as to call Michael and ask if he would take Dylan if he didn't start listening. I was hysterical and he was telling me to go to hospital and for a while I forgot all the bad times we had. John got so mad he said he was leaving. The next morning, Dylan got on reg. bus when told not to and John stopped by to "check" on my and searched house. I then almost went into seizure from my nerves and begged him to take off work, which he did. School called by 930 and I had to go. dylan cussed everyone including sandy audia (who was very nice to me) we decided to do detention hearing and now my son is in jail. i talked to him tonight and he said "Mom, they strip search here and Im scared. He asked guard if he could cover himself when searched because he was sexually abused. John talked to her and she said this would be considered. He cried so pitifully. I know I did the right thing, but my heart is still breaking. I talked to Julie next door and she was crying and she is so nice. I told her what a wonderful kid Jarrod was. I pray that this will teach dylan and help him see he needs to heal and have a regular life. this is all i know to do. i hope that my dad suffers in pain for the next twenty years and cripples until he finally dies, because i realized that death is too good for the son of a bitch. (bless my grandmother) i seriously hope i do not have to go to hospital. i am heartbroken, cry, then am numb. i am ok right now, but just cried for an hour and talked about dylan being little to john. john was pretty good tonight and listened to me. chloe went out with her boyfriend tonight. i did her hair black and blonde and cut it. it looks cute. michael seems to be doing well in middle school. it is so weird to write about them when i know dylan is in a little cell. that shows me that i still focus only on dylan. god, this family has got to heal......
- Mood:
distressed
well, chloe took pills sometime friday night or saturday morning. she told me that "little michael" raped her two years ago, and because she was using drugs at the time, she just now started to remember it. i hate seeing her high. it breaks my heart because she has overcome so much to stay sober and not cut. now with john and her fighting, she has cut and used. i understand why she had to do drugs if she was having nightmares and remembering what michael did to her. god, i didn't let it effect me until tonight. of course, i know exactly how she is feeling. being violated by someone you trust. hell, i just had a nightmare about (oh my god, i just realized they have the same name) two weeks ago and it has been seventeen years. time makes you think about it less, but it is always with you. i can't even really comprehend or think about it anymore tonight. i will have to digest it in little bits.
john and i had a great night last night. we went out to the mall, and the lake and drove around and talked about our future, and then we came home and made love. it is the closest i have felt to him in a while. it was so nice.
my mind i think is getting better. i am thinking more clearly and less panic attacks. i guess my brief psychotic episode came and went as it always has. i started looking into EFT and meridians and chakras and energy psychology. hell, at this point, i think i would eat elephant shit if it would make me normal.
well, i am journaling like i promised myelf. i am going to decorate for fall and do the vacation journal this coming month and hopefully get my bathroom and hallway finished!!!!
- Mood:
crushed
A funny thing about memories. They come to you at odd moments, you think of them, they are your life, yet I don't know what to do with them.
I had a memory of my house in Weston tonight and it lead to one after another. so i went to my wicker basket at the end of my bed and started through the pics and letters and artwork.......again. they are painful for me...still after six years. the memories before were so sweet and the memories afterwards either horrible or bittersweet. only in the last year, have i had good memories to look back on. i found my journal from 1987! i read it and it told me so much about myself. i could see my illness in the writings and even at that time i would write that i knew something was wrong with me. i also saw so much of chloe. she even read it! and wrote in it! so it connects us forever. i have so much to put up and display and organize, but the pain with it is still too much for me.
but it started me thinking about how important this journal really is. i don't like writing because i get afraid of what might come out or what i might feel, but i need to. looking back on those words did so much for me twenty years later, and i could remember it all. i am trying so hard to get this house in my name because is means so much to me. it is like a starting over. michael will always be a part of me. over a decade of my life, and i will never hate him, and it makes me sad that it couldnt' work, but i feel my place is with john. i have been really delusional these past two months, although it has left me now for the most part. i don't know what i will do about my illness. my kids can thankfully take meds they need if they choose, but i just cannot take what is needed to rid me of these episodes. i need to write about my day every night, no matter how little and print them off because i will write a book one day. i love my kids, i love john. i am terrified of school starting about dylan. i am lucky though because i have the three greatest kids in the world. wonderful, funny, attactive smart. i must have done something right and am so thankful. i have to start writing.
I took the boys for vacation in Erie and it was AWESOME. I am so PROUD of myself for going on my own without another adult. SPLASH LAGOON was really cool. But so many steps. If I never see another huge set of steps after this vacation I'll be happy....
Let's see......we did splash lagoon (i went down two water slides, which were scary, did the hot tub, had a margueita, played dance revolution with dylan in the arcade, played basketball, laid out......i think that's it for me) The boys had a great time both days...
We swam in the indoor pool two days....it was great fun. (i met a woman from Canada who had come here for the shopping! that was cool talking about what Canadians thought of us and asking questions) Just hanging out with the boys and.....I learned how to doggie paddle. seriously.
We rented a movie the second night of hotel. The first night we went to Applebee's which the boys enjoyed and the second night we went to Chuckie Cheese.
They played Laser Tag which they loved.
The last day (today) we went to Lake Erie at the beach. it was absolutely beautiful. The air is not humid, the beaches are beautiful!!!!!!!! There is so much to do.
We went to a science center (which was free) We bought souvenires, saw an IMAX movie about caving, which was really good.
The best part was the drive home. I got lost and we ran into a little carriage of Amish people at a gas station. I took a pic of the boys in front of it after we asked permission. We coulnd't put them in the pic. The kids were so cute. Dylan asked permission and scared the woman and her little boy and she said 'just the horse not us just the horse" we laughed about that for awhile.
Then the whole way home we just talked. Dylan and I talked and Dylan and Michael talked about family memories, and I told them our family was getting back. I hope it did Dylan good.
I am definitely going back to Erie again. It was really beautiful, lots to do, economical....just really nice.
Anyway, I am really happy tonight and TIRED!!!!!! So I will call this journal entry goodbye for now....
- Mood:accomplished
I got to talk to my friend Billy today for a long time. She is definitely someone good to talk to about just about anything. She is like a mother to me, and her early life mirrors so much of mine. We talked a lot about what to do with my son Dylan. I know that I need to put down an ultimative, but I struggle with sending him to a juvenile facility out of guilty. But you know what they say about parenting out of guilt. It is horrible for the child. so I just dont know what I will do. I will definitely talk to the inhome worker about it and see how things go until August.
I am on a path of personal growth. Funny....I can see the things I need to do, and I can list them, but they scare the living hell out of me. I talked to Billy about this. How could doing things good for myself scare me? first of all I feel like I have no identity without my kids. They are getting older (so am I) and when they are on their own they will come to visit and eventually bring the grandkids, but where will I be?.....
Billy made a good point that I lack self-confidence,(which I do) and that I need to build that confidence and work on that.
I think, to start out, I need to continue to LIVE IN TRUTH no matter what. That is also scary as hell, but seems to be where I am supposed to be right now.
Living in the truth.........with everyone and everything. Maybe that will help build my self confidence.
- Mood:
aggravated
INTERESTING TOPIC ON ONE OF THE SIGHTS. WHAT WOULD MY LIST LOOK LIKE. OF COURSE, SINCE I AM ALWAYS ON THE SERIOUS SIDE I WOULD HAVE TO GIVE THIS THOUGHT BUT I THOUGHT I WOULD TRY A LIST TONIGHT AND SEE HOW IT GOES. SO HERE GOES....
1. LEARN PHOTOGRAPHY
2. BLOW BUBBLES IN THE PARK
3. LEARN TO LIVE LIFE WITHOUT FEAR
4.STUDY OTHER RELIGIONS AND COMPARE AND CONTRAST AND DECIDE FOR MYSELF
5.BE MARRIED TO A TOTALLY COMMITTED, MATURE MAN (ONLY THEN)
6. HAVE ANOTHER BABY
7. GET A DOCTORATE DEGREE
8. BUY A HOUSE FOR MYSELF
9.HOLD MY GRANDCHILDREN
10. SPOIL MY GRANDCHILDREN
11. GET A DOG
12. WRITE A BOOK AND HAVE IT PUBLISHED
13. DO SOMETHING TO RAISE AWARENESS FOR SEXUAL ABUSE
14. LEARN HOW TO DEFINE MYSELF
15. DRIVE ACROSS COUNTRY
16.LEARN TO BE HAPPY
17. LEARN HOW TO SWIM
18. PAINT
19. LEARN HOW TO JOG ( AND DO IT)
20. HAVE A SUCCESSFUL CAREER AGAIN
21.HAVE A ROOM FULL OF BOOKS (THAT I HAVE READ ALL OF THEM)
22. PLANT A FLOWER GARDEN (AND KEEP IT ALIVE)
23. TAKE MORE WALKS IN THE SNOW
24, HAVE FLAT ABS AGAIN WITH A BELY BUTTON PIERCING
25.WRITE A LETTER TO MY GRANDMOTHER EXPRESSING HER INFLUENCE ON MY LIFE
26.BUY LOTS OF JEWELRY
27. GET A PROFESSIONAL FULL SPA TREATMENT
28. SLEEP NAKED
29. RELEARN SPANISH
30. VISIT THE AMISH COUNTRY
31. TO ALWAYS KNOW I CAN ADD TO THE LIST.......FREEDOM......
- Mood:
content
The kids are so much on me since my breakdown. They just react to my moods and because I was so permissive with them, trying to do the opposite of my mother, they are sometimes out of control. I made a new chore chart and house rules and bought a desk calendar to keep check marks on. I hope I can stick with this and it helps.
Sometimes I wish I wasnt' to giving to everyone because it seems that no one returns the favor. I long for friends, socializing.....but I am stuck in this house because of Dylan's behaviors.
Everytime I make a goal for myself, my moods change and it gets lost in the wind. I have to try this "doing things for myself and getting better" crap or I am going to be lost in darkness. It is just so hard when I think about the past. And how can I not think about the past when it looks me in the face everymorning. it is so hard.
- Mood: angry
well, i am new to this world of computers, and online journaling, but maybe i will try it because it is easier then writing. my daughter got me into it. i am having a rough time, but today was ok. not too bad with the panic attacks, but the paranoia of something being wrong with me and poisoned food was back. i just love bipolar and ptsd. i am not sure how this works by posting your entries. i don't want to sound like a crazy person (although there are many in my family who would disagree). there is so much to my story that it couldn't possibly be told in one entry and i guess that is not the point. right now i am struggling with being a mom of three kids and we have had the worst six years imaginable. i think after all of the inpatient hospitalizations and therapists and doctors that we are maybe, i am afraid to say it, starting to turn a corner. God gave me back my first love last year after my divorce (which was a good thing). He is the father of my first child from when i was nineteen. God, that's a funny quandry isn't it. i love him, yet have so much anger that i cannot sort it out and don't want to try most of the time. maybe because i was brought up in such a religious family with sick secrets...i don't know. anyway, i am feeling ok, panic attack went away. i always say i am going to write in journals, and maybe it is part the bipolar in me (up and down) and maybe it is fear of the feelings it conjures up, but i never stick with it and i think i should. well... i guess that's all for tonight. i will post this and see what happens......again, i never understand posts or chat rooms so i don't know what the point is to share, maybe after i try it once i will understand.......
- Mood:
contemplative
